I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

I’ve tried very hard recently. Very hard. But I can’t seem to figure it out. What’s the point? And I don’t mean this in a dismissive, rhetoric question kind of way, but genuinely. What is the point. Of life. Of existing. Of me. This may sound depressing. It’s not meant to be. Just currently I’m still at the ‘in between’ phase. I haven’t got a boyfriend, a job, a child, or any other long-term responsibilities that most people have. I’m on a short term, now part-time contract in a town I have no intention of staying in, while living at my sister’s flat. And while I am very grateful and more than ever aware of just how lucky I am to keep getting help whenever I really need it, there’s still that one little issue of – what’s next?

Unlike some, I not only have a vast amount of opportunities but I am also very aware of them. As previously pointed out, I have no responsibilities. No ties. No obligations. I could literally go wherever I like, do whatever I want to. And while I’ve read enough novels, listened to enough great songs, and watched enough movies to be tempted to be the spontaneous adventurer that up and leaves to move halfway across the world, I am not really sure that would really make me happy. The problem is, I don’t know what would make me happy. I’m caught between my very own sense and sensibility. On the one hand, I’m young, I have some money saved up, and as previously pointed out I have nothing that keeps me bound to a certain place. I could go travel the world. On the other hand, I keep thinking how I want to ‘start my life’. I’m not even sure what I mean by that. I just feel that finding a job for the past 6 months has been hard enough while constantly doing things to try and bump up my CV,  so adding ‘And then I went on a year long holiday’ may not look very good. But then, maybe it would. Maybe it’s just the excuse I use because deep down I’m too scared to do it. Deep down, I think maybe I should do it. Go and ‘find myself’. Live the life of the adventurous young woman who wants to live life to its fullest and later write novels and stories about it that she can share with her grandchildren. Yet, part of me just wants to find a well paying job and a nice bloke and start a family. Settle down in one place where I’m happy to be. Sometimes I feel so much older than I am. Surely at 23 one should not be so weary of life already.

At times I wish I could be happy with average. With a mediocre job that pays passable money. But I can’t seem to get myself to do it. Sure, I could get that kind of job. Hell, I’ve had that job. Yet I keep turning things down because it just doesn’t seem ‘right’. A bold move when you have no idea what you’re really looking for. There are so many things I want to do, yet at the moment it feels like I’m simply going through the motions and putting off everything. Rather than walking on a path into the unknown, I feel like I’m on a treadmill, pushing onwards, leaving things I want to do on the side until after I get off, without knowing which button to press to stop the machine. I just keep walking and hoping that whenever the machine does turn off, I won’t fall flat on my face or stand still for too long. Life is passing me by and I’m not sure what to do about it, simply because I don’t know what to do. If you could do whatever you wanted, wherever you wanted, be whoever you wanted to be… what would you do? It’s a question I’m facing every day. A question I have yet to answer for myself.